“You matter:” Research from author and journalist Jennifer Wallace inspires the community

Jennifer Breheny Wallace looked out at an auditorium filled with Harpeth Hall students and asked them to imagine she was holding a $20 bill.

“How much is this worth?” she asked. Across the theatre, students answered “$20.”

Ms. Wallace then mimed crumpling up the bill, dropping it on the floor, and soaking it in water.

“How much is it worth now?” she asked. Again, the room echoed “$20.”

“Like this $20 bill, your worth doesn’t change whether you were cut from a team, whether you bombed a test, whether a friend didn’t include you at the cafeteria or a party on Friday night.

Your value is your value, no matter what, it does not change.”

That simple exercise illustrated the heart of her message — a crucial one that Ms. Wallace wanted each of the girls to know — they matter.

But what does it mean to matter, and why is it important? An award-winning journalist and New York Times bestselling author, Ms. Wallace has spent years researching and examining what it truly means to matter. Her upcoming book, “Mattering: The Secret to Building a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose,” explores that question. In early November, Ms. Wallace visited Harpeth Hall to speak to students, faculty and staff, and parents about her findings.

Mattering matters, she said, because it helps individuals navigate challenges and live a more meaningful life. In a time where, as Harvard psychologist Rick Weissbourd observes, “High achievement is now seen by many parents as a life raft in an unpredictable future,” the pressure to perform — for both kids and adults — continues to mount.

As a result, Ms. Wallace said, “What was seen as a life vest has become a lead vest.”

That feeling is perpetuated with the three biggest lies people tell themselves, she said, quoting Dutch priest Henri Nouwen. Those misconceptions are: 1) I am what I have (as a collector of material goods), 2) I am what I do (in personal or professional achievements), 3) I am what others say or think about me.

Because there is always someone who has more, achieves more, or judges more, that narrative can lead to a feeling of never being enough, Ms. Wallace said. But there is one concrete way, she said, that can help combat that feeling — knowing that you are enough and that you matter.

As she spoke to faculty and parents later, Ms. Wallace offered advice on how to help kids know that they matter. One of those ways is to depend on the kids to add value back to the household. Give them tasks at home — taking out the trash, washing the dishes after dinner, walking the dog.

“We need to feel depended on, and we need that social proof that what we do contributes to the greater good,” Ms. Wallace said. “... If parents are always working in service of their kids, the kids don’t feel needed.”

Ms. Wallace emphasized that mattering does not replace the desire to achieve. Most individuals want to do well in their pursuits, and healthy competition raises all boats. Ms. Wallace used the metaphor of a wave to illustrate her point.

She asked the girls, “Why do surfers wait for the big wave? If the goal is to get onto shore, why wait for a big, hard wave? Why not take a smaller one where you could definitely make it to shore?”

The surfer waits for the big wave, Ms. Wallace said, because surfers want to test their capacity. They want to know if they can do it, if they have the muscle, concentration, and training it takes to ride the hard wave into shore. The idea is that competition is reciprocal: you are the big wave that challenges someone, just as another competitor becomes the big wave that challenges you. They push you to do your very best, just as you push others to.

But, Ms. Wallace said, achieving isn’t enough.

“The goal is not to be better than others,” she said, “it is to be better for others.”

One of the tenets often echoed throughout the halls of Harpeth Hall is that “Bears don’t compare.” Whether it is on the sidelines of a soccer game, on Souby during Honors on the Lawn, or after a performance during the all-school jamboree, Honeybears are loud and proud supporters of their classmates and friends.

In a recent blog post entitled "Comparison is the thief of joy,” Head of School Jess Hill shares the words of an upper school ambassador who said, “When one succeeds, we all succeed, and when one needs support, we are all there to cheer her on.”

In this spirit, each girl serves as a wave for her others, consistently encouraging her peers to be their best selves. They recognize one another’s worth and value, uplifting each other in ways that feel uniquely Harpeth Hall.

“This is one of the things I love most about girls schools,” Ms. Wallace said. “As women, we know intuitively how to feel each other’s joy. Feeling somebody else’s joy doesn’t take anything away from you. If anything, it adds to your joy. …The best way to double your joy is to learn how to double the joy of your friends.”

Ms. Wallace’s visit with students was built into the upper school Wellness Day, a day dedicated to helping students learn to navigate the daily stressors and experiences that affect their well-being through activities like mindful meditation, tai chi, and nature walks. This year, her talk reminded students that the pressure to achieve is often an internal force and that their worth and value come not from a grade on a test, what college they get into, or if they win the state championship but rather from who they are and the purpose they bring to the world.

As Ms. Wallace reminded them, “Remember that $20 bill? You are always worthy and lovable.”