Bears Repeating from Jess Hill: Striving to be goodish

“One of the greatest joys of being a human being is learning.”
— Dolly Chugh, NYU Business School Professor

For years, teachers at Harpeth Hall and many schools across the country have emphasized the importance of a growth mindset. It opens a world of possibilities for learners. Instead of feeling stuck, we find that capacities can grow with diligence, hard work, and focused feedback. 

It can be easy to embrace the idea of a growth mindset in intellectual or skill-based pursuits, but many of us still hold a more fixed mindset when it comes to something deeper — our belief in being a good person. 

I find it comforting to think that most of us see ourselves as being good people. We all have a central moral identity, and we want to be good people just as much as we want others to see us in that way.

What becomes tricky is that our definitions of good or bad can vary greatly. Does being a good person mean simply helping someone across the street or treating your friends with kindness, or does it mean that you are investing large amounts of time trying to make the world a better place?  

These questions often come down to how we each contemplate central moral character. We may judge other individuals’ decisions and actions as either good or bad based on our own beliefs. At the same time, we do not like to be judged in this way by others. Dr. Dolly Chugh, social psychologist and researcher at the NYU Stern School of Business, has found that when a person is questioned about the good or bad intentions behind their personal actions, that person frequently moves to “a red zone of defensiveness.” 

In other words, we are so attached to thinking of ourselves as “good people” that we struggle to grow and learn from a friend’s feedback or suggestions about how we may need to improve. We forget about or resist the growth mindset.  

Instead, when we head into that “red zone of defensiveness,” we can dig our heels in to protect our reputation, which sometimes spirals into other hurtful behaviors. Or, we might suddenly scramble to do good deeds to prove to ourselves and others that we really are good. We work to protect that good-person identity at all costs.

As human beings, whether we are 14 or 40, we are not this defensive in any other area of our lives. If we want to improve our skills or deepen our knowledge in an area, we pick up a book, we take a class, we talk to an expert. We learn from our mistakes. We give ourselves room to grow. 

But when the area for growth touches on personal ethics, we are quick to deflect or defend our actions. “That is not what I meant.” “I’m sorry you heard it that way.” These are understandable reactions, but often unhelpful. Remaining curious is the key, according to Chugh. A response such as “Wow, I want to learn more” or “I didn’t know that,” signals the beginning of a learning opportunity. She asserts that our definitions of being a good person are too narrow. We need to strive instead to be “goodish.” While, good is seen as a fixed characteristic, striving for “goodish” gives us all room for growth. Goodish is the higher standard.

In a time when we are quick to label each other and quick to build a defensive wall when our personal ethics are questioned, we could use a few tools to help us keep the conversations going and strive to better understand what others perceive. Aspiring to grow in our understanding of good in the same way we aspire to learn art history or French will be uncomfortable, awkward, and painful at times, but it will also be exciting and rewarding. 

Working to be goodish will help us care less about appearances or virtue signaling and more about real connection and growth — and I am pretty sure we will be learning to live honorably at the same time.